Katharine Dunn, author of Geek Love, died this week. While I never knew anything about her life, other than that she'd also attended my alma mater, Reed College, when I was in high school her novel Geek Love influenced how I was beginning to think of my own identity as someone a little bit strange, a little bit different (OK, a lot strange and different). It was an amazing and strange novel about a family of circus freaks. My key take-away from that book was that normal people often attempt to gain attention by appearing freakish, whereas true freaks put a lot of effort into seeming normal. Here is the quote:
There are those whose own vulgar normality is so apparent and stultifying that they strive to escape it. They affect flamboyant behavior and claim originality according to the fashionable eccentricities of their time. They claim brains or talent or indifference to mores in desperate attempts to deny their own mediocrity. These are frequently artists and performers, adventurers and wide-life devotees.
Then there are those who feel their own strangeness and are terrified by it. They struggle toward normalcy. They suffer to exactly that degree that they are unable to appear normal to others, or to convince themselves that their aberration does not exist. These are true freaks, who appear, almost always, conventional and dull.
-Katharine Dunn, Geek Love
For me there's a kind of dynamic tension between my ability to "pass" for somewhat normal, and the freakishness of my own abilities.
On the one hand, my ability to be polite and normal, friendly, gentle, smile and make small talk, not to mention having passable organizational skills, allows me entry to places in the world where thought-leaders are making decisions and recommendations about policy, inventions, food security, new technologies and the like. Being perceived as normal allows me to support work that I feel is of benefit to humanity, in a tangible, physical way, from behind the scenes, in a nearly invisible way.
Of course, I am blowing my cover a bit here. This whole website is an exercise in exposure and hiding, being visible and invisible. It's a balance between feeling like my experiences and work are important enough that they should be shared with the world in some fashion, and fear of exposure on the other hand. Can I retain a day job if I come out of the closet as a buddha?
Not only is that insane, by normal standards, but a buddha is also the last thing a good Filipina-Catholic girl ought to be. I am a Filipina-American, born a US Citizen in the Philippines, raised all over the USA, and all over the world. Filipino culture, from my mother's side, has always been a major part of my world and family life. Like many Filipinas, my family is enormous. When I was 16 or 17, we had a family reunion in the Philippines and held it in the high school basketball arena because we needed to accommodate 600 or 700 people - and this was only 5 generations, from my great-great grandfather down. I believe I have 31 first cousins - but I'm not entirely sure that number is accurate. It might be higher.
Here in America though, such family as I have here are separated by distance, whether geographical, political, religious, emotional, or ideological, and moments of connection are few and far between. It generally takes the effort of a plane flight or multi-day road trip to get together. (Though happily, the family bond and love we have for each other remains stronger than any distance.)
So it has always been something of a challenge to figure out what "normal" is and whether I even want to play that game at all. I do tend to behave "normally" at work, adhering to the standard American work-place etiquette of never discussing religion or politics.
On the other hand, within my inner circle, my true freak nature has always been readily apparent. When I quoted Katharine Dunn to a close friend recently, he told me, "I think your freak flag has been flying for some time now. In fact, it's been flying for so long it's frayed." OK true. And yet not true. My inner circle knows about my routinely strange inter-dimensional experiences, psychic weirdness, and increasing experience of being One-with-God. But not my colleagues, who are often rational atheists or humanists.
What is the appropriate amount of sharing when one becomes enlightened? Freaky things happen. The very nature of enlightenment is so hyper-normal as to be freakish.
What is the etiquette for that?
Of course, I am blowing my cover a bit here. This whole website is an exercise in exposure and hiding, being visible and invisible. It's a balance between feeling like my experiences and work are important enough that they should be shared with the world in some fashion, and fear of exposure on the other hand. Can I retain a day job if I come out of the closet as a buddha?
Not only is that insane, by normal standards, but a buddha is also the last thing a good Filipina-Catholic girl ought to be. I am a Filipina-American, born a US Citizen in the Philippines, raised all over the USA, and all over the world. Filipino culture, from my mother's side, has always been a major part of my world and family life. Like many Filipinas, my family is enormous. When I was 16 or 17, we had a family reunion in the Philippines and held it in the high school basketball arena because we needed to accommodate 600 or 700 people - and this was only 5 generations, from my great-great grandfather down. I believe I have 31 first cousins - but I'm not entirely sure that number is accurate. It might be higher.
Here in America though, such family as I have here are separated by distance, whether geographical, political, religious, emotional, or ideological, and moments of connection are few and far between. It generally takes the effort of a plane flight or multi-day road trip to get together. (Though happily, the family bond and love we have for each other remains stronger than any distance.)
So it has always been something of a challenge to figure out what "normal" is and whether I even want to play that game at all. I do tend to behave "normally" at work, adhering to the standard American work-place etiquette of never discussing religion or politics.
On the other hand, within my inner circle, my true freak nature has always been readily apparent. When I quoted Katharine Dunn to a close friend recently, he told me, "I think your freak flag has been flying for some time now. In fact, it's been flying for so long it's frayed." OK true. And yet not true. My inner circle knows about my routinely strange inter-dimensional experiences, psychic weirdness, and increasing experience of being One-with-God. But not my colleagues, who are often rational atheists or humanists.
What is the appropriate amount of sharing when one becomes enlightened? Freaky things happen. The very nature of enlightenment is so hyper-normal as to be freakish.
What is the etiquette for that?
Hello, co-workers, I'm a little bit tired today because I saved the world again. Actually, it was our universe this time. While working with a client on why she was feeling suicidal during her own Dark Night of the Soul transition towards enlightenment, I noticed that an evil universe from outside our own was attempting to pull all the energy and power out of our universe. So I had to expand my consciousness really rapidly and super-charge my ability to receive energy from the God-energy in the void between bubbles of universes, and improve my ability to be one with God so I could stand at the outer perimeter with Jesus, Mohammed, and Gautama (as the Buddha calls himself) and counter this threat to our existence, and hers.
That's crazy talk! And yep, I know it.
What did I mean by saying that the very nature of enlightenment is so hyper-normal as to be freakish? Only that from the inside it feels normal. It feels like this is what life should be, could be, for all of us, if only we were to wake up and move beyond the walls and habits of our daily existence. And yet it is so unusual in the general population that I do feel quite alone sometimes, even as I feel a camaraderie with everyone.
As for the question of whether or not I am genuinely crazy, well, I think that's a topic for a different blog post outlining the stages of awakening consciousness, which are quite well-documented.
I think this blog is becoming a blog about enlightenment. I plan to document some of the trials I, and others, face in our journey towards, to, and through enlightenment. Even though I am continue to have enlightenment experiences, I also have enough of an ego left that I wish to document the process, share, and provide something of a roadmap. And I'm a little bit nervous about it too, as I seem to be incapable of publishing a secret blog. There's some inescapable urge to be myself, in a freakishly normal and public way. C’était l’appel du vide.
What did I mean by saying that the very nature of enlightenment is so hyper-normal as to be freakish? Only that from the inside it feels normal. It feels like this is what life should be, could be, for all of us, if only we were to wake up and move beyond the walls and habits of our daily existence. And yet it is so unusual in the general population that I do feel quite alone sometimes, even as I feel a camaraderie with everyone.
As for the question of whether or not I am genuinely crazy, well, I think that's a topic for a different blog post outlining the stages of awakening consciousness, which are quite well-documented.
I think this blog is becoming a blog about enlightenment. I plan to document some of the trials I, and others, face in our journey towards, to, and through enlightenment. Even though I am continue to have enlightenment experiences, I also have enough of an ego left that I wish to document the process, share, and provide something of a roadmap. And I'm a little bit nervous about it too, as I seem to be incapable of publishing a secret blog. There's some inescapable urge to be myself, in a freakishly normal and public way. C’était l’appel du vide.
"Those who know, do not speak.
Those who speak, do not know.
Close your mouth.
Shut the gates.
Be soft.
Untangle your knots.
Soften your brilliance.
Become one with the dust.
This is the profound union.
No one can get close to you,
yet they cannot be distant either.
No one can help or harm you.
No one can honor or disgrace you.
Thus you achieve the highest state of humankind.
- Lao Tzu, Chapter 56
Sorry Lao Tzu, I can't. Not yet. There's still so much to say!
And thank you, Katharine Dunn. R.I.P.
And thank you, Katharine Dunn. R.I.P.